55.

I

In-

As I said, I was quite introspective, and was also shy with girls--probably unsure of my manhood thanks to my father. Though in grade school as well as high school I had dates with girls, never attempted any advances with them much as I wished to. stead, when I was about 14 or 15 I inadvertently discovered self- gratification while attired in lingerie. This further reinforced my TVism as I was now able to imagine myself enjoying the thrills of sex without having to risk the refusal of the girl (and the re- sulting shock to my manhood) Dressed in my adored lingerie, I was my own girl, demure, submissive, passionate--eagerly submit ting to my every demand. And at the end I was both myself and the lovely girl; both swooning with their own raptures

At the age of 19, while in the Infantry in Europe, I attempt- ed intercourse for the first time, The act was for me un completed and unsatisfactory (manhood on trial again?) So again I turned to the lovely compliant girl of my fantasies, After being ser- iously wounded, I was discharged from the Army and enrolled in the state University under the GI bill There I met a girl with whom I fell deeply in love and my conflict came boiling to the surface I loved her; wanted to marry her but what kind of a man could I be for her?

After nearly flunking out of school because of worry and con- fusion, I went to a VA psychiatrist How well I remember that day Please remember that, as with most TVs, this was my secret alone, and a horrible secret I considered it to be. I was 80 guilt ridden and ashamed of my love for girl's clothes that when I was questioned by the psychiatrist's assistant, a woman, on what I wished to see the doctor about, I told her that I was a- fraid I was an incipient homosexual an untruth, but easier for me to say than the truth After revealing my real problem to the psychiatrist, he told me that whenever I felt the compulsion to don my finery, I should rationalize. Rationalize? To this day I don't know what he could have meant . Rationality or irrat- tonality has nothing whatever to do with it. Needless to say I didn't see him again.

I threw away my lovely clothes and married the girl without revealing more than a hint to her about my TVism. I got my de- gree in chemistry and married life was rosy--for awhile. I found that sex with my wife was eminantly satisfactory--love of